Its all about You

It is entirely possible to think everyone else is at fault and not you. This is a perspective that I understand, yet find difficult to reconcile with my belief in diversity. I have tried accepting blame in circumstances when I am not to blame, where it is for all intents and purposes inconsequential, but this doesn’t help. The message received is that the activity for which blame is seemingly required is ok, when really the activity of laying blame is not okay. I have also tried ignoring blame, but this too doesn’t work, since you can come across as cold and indifferent to the situation. I’m sure there are many approaches to handling the blame game and each one suited to a different situation, but I am not clear as to when any of them apply.

I fully believe that as humans we all make mistakes and generally blame is not a helpful thing. However, I do think it is important to ensure that people understand the consequences of their actions. At some point, if antisocial behaviour persists, then action must be taken to improve society as a whole beacuse you can't allow, for example, a murderer to carry on as he wishes. While the example of a murderer is a good clear example to the overwhelmingly vast majority of people, other activities are not so uniformly disliked or liked.  This is where it gets difficult for me. First of all, what is antisocial to me may not be to someone else. Secondly, in the words of Shakespeare: "there is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." It is so easy to believe that blame lies with someone else, but it is not that simple, the blame lies with you, me and everyone else too.

Banks, governments and corporations don’t have feelings, so I can harp on about poor bank behaviour and at worst all I have to deal with is being called are a few names from people who disagree with me (or for the conspiracy theorists among you perhaps the worst is a visit from a CIA operative). People, however, do take offence sometimes.

With people, I frequently just distance myself from those who it would appear have very different views from mine and hope that our spheres of existence do not collide too often. In some ways, this would appear to be the easiest and most peaceful way of handling the situation. On the other hand, building bridges of understanding takes courage and effort. I wonder if sometimes I should have more courage and put more effort into building these bridges.

I do try to understand people who I disagree with (actually often the most interesting conversations come from this sort of activity) and sometimes, in my attempts to understand them, I find myself changing a bit. I change not because I am persuaded by their argument or position, but more because I have achieved a greater understanding of people. I think this is the power of diversity. If you can embrace different perspectives, no matter how hard it seems to be at the time, I think you grow as a person and will find life easier to navigate. For clarity, embracing the different perspective is different from adopting it – you merely have to understand it, not agree with it, although agreement is fine too.

People often freeze with fear in situations where they find themselves confronted by a difference of opinion. Many actions are indicative of this fear – sometimes people get angry with you, sometimes people start BSing, sometimes people change the subject, sometimes people try to cloud the issue by using big words that maybe don’t make sense (could be because you don’t understand them, they don’t understand them or both). All of these things sorts of behaviours have something in common – they are intended to end the argument. I argue that this is when the ‘bridge building’ ends. Have courage and persist with the argument. Of course, do not continue the argument in the same way - that will only serve to make the situation worse. Try to understand why the person is angry or embarrassed or unwilling to see your perspective (and here again I don’t mean adopt your perspective – getting agreement is not important– understanding should be the goal I think). However, bear in mind that persistence is only warranted if you are still seeking to understand their perspective - there is nothing to be gained from trying to force someone to understand your perspective if they are not willing to listen and understand, though it is wonderful when two-way communication occurs and results in mutual understanding.

People also freeze when they have bad news to deliver. This is a fear that I understand completely, but is usually horribly misguided. This is the sort of fear that makes things a whole lot worse. Sometimes bad things happen and those bad things need to be faced; delaying the inevitable just wastes time I think. There are situations when a person is not able to handle more bad news. In which case, facing the situation may simply be understanding what needs to be confronted now and what can wait – not everything can happen at once. Nevertheless, action is still required, even if that action is only to feel, recognize and understand the pain.

So why am I talking about fear and confronting people with differing views and striving for understanding? Because I think we all have some of this fear in us. If we can understand this about ourselves and each other, then perhaps we will be better able to be conscious of the moments when another person is genuinely trying to understand us, even if that attempt appears to be annoying. Indeed, if it is annoying, then I would suggest that you have something to learn about and understand from the other person also. Unfreeze, take action and rid yourself of doubt and apathy by being honest with yourself and others.